I still remember it like it was yesterday. It was like a bad nightmare, sometimes I still think it was a dream, a really bad dream. Then I realize it was real. On October 22, 2009, I loss Charlene to a stillbirth. I was just shy of six months. This is the letter that I wrote to her four days later:
It’s been exactly three months since I’ve written to you (I attempted to keep a journal to give to her when she turned 18 but I had only made three previous entries). I must have known something bad was going to happen. I still can’t believe you are not with me anymore. I miss you tremendously.
Words cannot even explain the pain that I feel. I know everything happens for a reason. I think I kind of figured out this reason, but still prefer to have you with me and deal with the stress of your father than to be without you. He literally drove me crazy the whole pregnancy. One minute he was okay with me being pregnant and the next he was asking me to hide my pregnancy like I was a teenager and fighting with me continuously about it. We went to the Hamptons on Columbus Day Weekend, 10/10-10/11/2009 and he asked if I had a bigger shirt to wear because he had not told his former college roommate’s parents whom we were visiting that I was pregnant. He is always concerned with what others have to say or what they think of him. His roommate’s parents knew he was recently divorced with a son.
I managed to enjoy the trip and a week later I found out you were a little girl. He was ecstatic and I wanted a boy. I must admit only because I have four sisters. But then I also got excited and couldn’t wait to meet my healthy little girl. You were going to be my singer, dancer and you were going to be so smart. You were going to have patience (something mommy is working on). You were going to be a star ’cause you were mommy’s baby. I would sing this to you while you were with me. I miss feeling you moving inside me. It’s all like a bad dream.
When you came on 10-22-09 at 5:51 p.m., I was in shock. Your father cried and cried. My tears came later and each day I think of you. I had so much medication in me that I didn’t believe that you were no longer with me. You were going to be so beautiful and a minnie me. You had all my features…big hands, long arms, my shape face, and eyebrows. We were supposed to be looking into the mirror together next year, while you say, “I’m so pretty.” I was going to ask you whose baby you were and you were going to say, “Mommy’s.” But I will never hear you say that.
We will meet again in the next life. Hopefully not too soon. I want to give you brothers and sisters. You will be all of our guardian angel. You will watch over us. I know you are watching over me right now. I wish you were still here with me, but I cannot bring you back. I miss you so much. Please help me be strong baby girl. Watch over mommy and your future siblings. I love you forever!